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Archive for January 25th, 2008

I’ve been battling my usual reproductive health problems recently, and without going into the gory details, I’ll just say that I’ve been monitoring a couple of different conditions with the Marvelous Dr H for several months now, waiting to find out how this will all play out.

To say I’m on edge about it would be putting it lightly.  A lot hinges on the outcome.  If it goes the way we think it will, I will most likely have a hysterectomy sometime soon.  Or we could just keep ordering blood tests, ultrasounds, and MRI’s until I’m a pint low and start attracting metal objects as I walk through the hardware store.  (Hmmmm…possible occupational hazard in a room full of computers.  Everyone knows that computers and magnetic fields don’t play well together!)

On Wednesday I went in for my usual round of images and phlebotomy.  Only this time, the Marvelous Dr H threw in a special treat for me: a CA-125 test, a tumor marker for cancer. 

Before anyone freaks out, let me just say that the Marvelous Dr H is about as conservative and cautious as they come, and I love him for it.  He told me when he ordered this test that a positive result would be very unlikely, and not to worry, that he was just dotting his i’s and crossing his t’s before we do anything irreversable.  So, I’m not worried.  Nevermind that I’ve had almost every other possible gynecological malfunction, I’m not worried about the results of that test.

No, I’m not.  Really, I’m not.  Just because a doctor mentions the “C” word with respect to my reproductive organs does not mean that I’m going to pine away with worry until I get the results.

However, I find myself eagerly looking forward to hearing the aforementioned negative result.  It’s like a punctuation mark that changes a question to a statement. Did you know that punctuation could be reassuring?  Let me give you an example. Read the next two statements aloud.

1.  I know how to get there?

2.  I know how to get there.

Which statement inspires the most confidence in you?  Uh-huh, I rest my grammatical case.

Anyway, I am looking forward to getting the test result.  So today, I get a little pop-up message that says, “You have a test result waiting in your inbox”. 

I drop everything I’m doing to log in to the provider’s website.

I open my mailbox.

I take a deep breath, and open my test results, only to learn….

I’m not pregnant.

Wow.  Wow.  How about a nice poke in the eye to go with that poke in the eye?  After more than eight years of dealing with infertility one way or another, I can’t say I’m surprised to learn that little bit of information.  Not exactly a revelation. 

It’s as though the all demons of infertility couldn’t resist one last jab at me, to say, “Yeah, well, before you go and have that complete hysterectomy that will forever end any possibility of a Divine Miracle Pregnancy for you, let us just remind you one more time, you are not pregnant.”

I can’t really explain how I feel about this recent blip on my infertility radar.  I’m angry, not at the fact that I’m not pregnant, but just at the sheer affrontery of being reminded of it.  And then I’m irritated at the fact that I can still be angry about these things. 

I still haven’t learned the result of either my ultrasound or my CA-125 test.  I still haven’t talked to the Marvelous Dr H yet.  But the good news is that now I’ve worked myself up into a nice rolling boil of indignation that will last at least a few hours.  Because at this rate, at least I’m not worrying.

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